What I Learned During More Than Five Years of Divorce in California
Things I Learned Over More Than Five Years Going Through My Divorce
California is a “no-fault” divorce state. Instead of assigning blame, the filing spouse simply cites that the marriage is “irretrievably broken” or due to “irreconcilable differences.” While no-fault divorce offers a streamlined, less adversarial process, critics argue it can reduce marital accountability, create power imbalances in settlements, and make it difficult to contest a unilateral divorce.
Document Everything From Day One
Document absolutely everything. Take photos and videos whenever possible, save all text messages and emails, and keep detailed written notes with exact dates and times. Financial documentation is especially grueling. I had to produce 15 years of tax returns and multiple years of paystubs—even while I was still employed. I also had to thoroughly document all debts, income sources, and even vacations taken over the last five years. Hiding income is treated very harshly by the court, so full transparency is critical.
Date of Separation (DOS). Far more important is establishing and documenting your DOS . Anything earned after this date is generally considered separate property. I initially listed the date I told my spouse I wanted a divorce, but opposing counsel pushed back, and we ultimately “agreed” to a later date that reduced my separate property. Fight for the earliest accurate DOS.
Timing Can Affect Your Financial Future
Don’t wait. If you’ve tried reconciliation and it’s clear the marriage is over, don’t wait. Reaching the 10-year mark can classify the marriage as “long-term,” which may allow the court to retain jurisdiction over spousal support indefinitely. As a general rule, support (alimony) is often calculated for roughly half the length of the marriage, but courts also consider Family Code § 4320 factors such as the length of the marriage, each party’s earning capacity, and the marital standard of living. A “change in circumstances” can later allow modification or termination of support.
Prepare for Delays and Expensive Legal Fees
Have patience—you’ll need a lot of it. The California family court system is notoriously slow, expensive, and restrictive. Attorney fees add up quickly; that $5,000 retainer disappears fast. Do everything possible to avoid paying your ex-spouse’s legal fees.
My case should have been straightforward but dragged on due to repeated delays from opposing counsel, some of which they then tried to bill me for. I was ultimately happy with my attorney, but I wish I had shopped around more at the beginning. Getting a second opinion later would have been costly and inefficient.
How My Divorce Ended
As of June 15, my divorce is final. We went to trial, but the attorneys reached a settlement. Thanks to my retirement and other changes in circumstances, my spousal support was substantially reduced and given a hard termination date of June 2029. Avoiding indefinite support was a significant win, though I’m still not happy about the overall financial outcome.
I spent 32 years in the transportation industry, including nearly 3,000 hours of overtime in my final three years. During 19 years at BART, I rarely took family vacations. I worked extremely hard to build a secure retirement, only to see a large portion of it divided in the name of “equality.” I will always disagree with that result. In the end, it’s simply not “cheaper to keep her.”
My Biggest Advice After Five Years
Live happy. Prioritize your peace and well-being throughout the process. Divorce is painful, unfair, and exhausting, but life on the other side can be better if you stay focused, organized, and patient.
